A/N: This is a ludicrous parody of all the common ships of Hermione. I really pity Hermione, really. She's being romantically paired to almost every being in the series… Even DOBBY!! Well, anyway, if you're one of the shippers of one of the included, please do not take it to heart. This is just for fun. No hurt… animosity is intended.

Hermione Granger, the know-it-all, bookworm of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, and best friend of the-boy-who-lived. Yeah. That's who she was known as. Every day was the same boring routine for her.

And it was this very Valentine's Day that she knew little of what was in store for her.

Early in the morning, she had sat down in the common room, reading 'Hogwarts: A History', and in came Harry Potter, bumbling down the boys staircase with both hands on his back.

"Morning, Hermione!" he greeted cheerily.

"Morning, Harry," she greeted, without looking up from her book.

Then, there was silence. She took that as a sign that Harry had taken a seat on one of the armchairs. But soon, a loud clearance of throat was heard.

She finally put the thick book down and was surprise to see Harry standing right in front of her, looking somewhat flustered.

"Umm… Hello, Mione," he laughed nervously.

"Harry, is anything the matter?"

"Uh, nothing. I just… here!" He held out a red rose for her. "Happy Valentine's Day, Hermione. I'm proud to be the first one to wish you."

"Uh… thanks, Harry. But I already got an anonymous owl, early this morning, wishing me the same."

"Aww!!" he stamped his feet.

"Well, I better get going."

But before Harry could ask her if he could follow her to breakfast, Hermione had disappeared through the portrait hole, somewhat hurriedly.

And little did she know, a red haired Gryffindor was beating the life out of her scarred friend, after eavesdropping on the whole scene.

On the way to the Great Hall, two strong pale arms pulled her into a secluded dark corner.

It was none other than Draco Malfoy.

"What do you want, Malfoy?"

"Just wanna give my favourite Mudblood a little Valentine kiss." With that, he pouted his lips and began to lean in towards her.

There was no escape. She was locked between his arms, and the wall behind her. But before their lips could meet, a strong pair of arms pulled the silver haired boy and punched him square on the face.

"That HURTS, WEASEL!!"

"You deserve it, FERRET!!"

"Oh! I see. You're just jealous that you're not the one to wish pretty Mudblood, a sweet Valentine's Day."

Ron swayed his fist yet again to give the boy another strike, but stopped when a cold voice interrupted them.

"Weasley! How dare you insinuate such act with a student? No less, MY student! 20 points from Gryffindor, for Muggle fighting! And detention!"

"Bu-"

"Quiet!! Now, get out!"

Ron, whose fist was still pausing in front of Draco's face, turned back to look at him. Draco merely smirked, and kissed his fist, before wiggling his eyebrows at him.

Ron huffed and stormed into the direction of the Great Hall. Seconds later, Draco too walked away, and said aloud, "Hope you like my owl, Granger!"

Hermione stiffened at this. It was him? Draco Malfoy sent that lovely Valentine's gift?! Oh! Where has the cupids gone wrong?

"Ahem! Miss Granger."

Hermione jumped at this. She didn't realised her potion master was still standing there behind her, holding up a flask of red potion.

"Y-Yes, professor?"

"Well, I'd just conjured up this potion, see. And I wanted to test it with somebody. And seeing that you're here, I want you to test it with me."

"Wha- What potion is that?" she asked, though she already had a hunch of the answer.

"Well, it's a love potion, Miss Granger."

Hermione almost choked to see her evil potion master's slightly tinged cheeks. What has the world gone into?!

"I-I… I'm kinda hungry, right now. Sorry, professor."

"Wait!! You have to try it for me!"

"No!! You can't make me!" With that, she ran into the Great Hall, hearing his protesting voice echoing down the corridors, "HOW DARE YOU REJECT HOGWARTS' MOST SEXIEST POTION MASTER EVER SEEN!! Detention, Granger!!"

She came into the hall panting.

"What happened, Mione?" asked Ron Weasley, concern evident in his voice.

"Nothing. Jut got caught up with a loony."

Just then, Harry came in with a big white plaster on his nose.

"Harry! What happened to your face?!"

Ron glared at him as if saying 'I'll-give-you-another-one-if-you-dare-tell-her'. Harry winced and said, "Nothing. Just Voldemort flooing into our common room, and beat the shit out of me."

"Oh… I'm sorry to hear that."

"It's alright. Happy Valentine's Day, Hermione," wished Harry for the second time, as he reached for her hand, but was smacked at the last second by a rather rage-faced Ronald Weasley.

As she quietly placed bacons, eggs, and a few slices of oranges onto her plate, she felt a soft hand sliding up her thighs.

It was Ginny! She yelped loudly at this. Turning open-mouthed at her red-haired female friend, she was only returned with a seductive wink.

"Get your hands OFF me, you filthy LESBIAN!!"

The whole hall gasped. Ginny stood up and ran away, wailing.

"M-My… My sister's a freakin' LESBO?!!"

"Unfortunately," muttered Harry Potter. "That's why I didn't go for her."

Ron was still in his shocked state when a flock of giant eagles came flying in, dropping bouquets and bouquets of flowers of different ranges and gifts in front of an awe-struck Hermione Granger.

All the girls awed in envy. It was from Viktor. The well-known Bulgarian Quidditch player, Viktor Krum.

All through her classes, girls kept pestering her about Viktor, and she couldn't help but find it annoying.

Well, that is a different story for our jealous-stricken friend, Ron Weasley. He had a strong urge to floo to Vicky's house and punched the life out of him. Maybe then, he'll be able to pronounce Hermione's name correctly.

Once, classes were over, Hermione walked straight to the library to do her homework. On her way, she met Professor Remus Lupin, who was surprisingly accepted back as the DADA teacher.

"Professor Lupin!"

"Remus… Call me, 'Remus'. How many times must I tell you that, Hermione? I was just on my way to meet you, by the way."

"Really? What for?"

"Umm…" he glanced down at his hands, making her follow his gaze.

It was a ruby heart shaped cookie tin, tied up with a golden ribbon. Hermione resisted the urge to whine out loud and roll her eyes.

"Who's it for?" she asked innocently.

"It's for you, Hermione," the professor replied, blushing madly.

"Oh… uh, thanks. I guess."

As she took the tin out of his hands, she caught sight of a familiar ring on his finger.

"Where did you get that?" she pointed at the object. "I have the exact piece here," she showed him her finger.

"Well… you gave it to me…" he answered, somewhat nervously.

"What? I only have one of these. How can I even give you, this? And besides, I don't remember giving you anything, before… well, except homework, that is."

"Well… you did… just… not yet."

"Not yet? What do you mean?"

"Well, see, next year, you will be transported back to the past. Both of us will fall in love, and you'll give your ring to me."

"Wha- I-I… I…"

"Yeah… as in you, me, James, Sirius… and Peter."

"So, how come Professor Snape doesn't know me? As far as I know, you guys were in the same year."

"He does, actually. He too fell in love with you, last time. But you rejected him for me," Remus answered her with a smug smile.

"I… see…"

Remus leaned in and kissed her cheek, blushingly.

"Uh… right. Well, gotta go. So many things to do, you know. Bye. See you, professor!"

"Remus…" muttered the werewolf to himself as he watched the love of his life running away from him.

Soon, as she got into the library, she quickly got lost into her homework. But that was not before she heard a loud 'croak' in front of her.

It was Neville. Neville Longbottom, who was holding on to his pet toad, Trevor. "Uh. Hi, Hermione," he said in his usual nervous voice.

"Yes, Neville? Do you need help with your homework?"

He smiled sweetly at her, but shook his head. "No, I just- well… I just want to give you this. I know it's nothing compared to what that Quidditch star gave you, earlier this morning. But my Granny helped picked it out for me. I've always talked to her about you. And she told me that you may fancy me, and she wants us to get together!"

He breathed a sigh of relief after finishing his speech, causing Hermione to stare open-mouthed at him.

"Neville… don't you ever decide for yourself?"

"Umm… no?"

"Well, do you really love me?"

"Umm… not really…"

"Good. And I bet it's Luna. Now, don't look at me like that. I can tell."

Neville blushed, but eventually looked up at her in a mischievous manner, which was very uncharacteristic of him.

"You can tell, huh? What about Ron? Can you tell who he likes? Or perhaps, love…?"

It was Hermione's turn to blush. "Umm… what are you trying to say, Neville?"

"Hermione, please! I really thought you're the smart one! Ron has been in love with you for years! He was so heartbroken today. And if I'm not mistaken, he's still at the Quidditch pitch, grieving."

Hermione immediately jumped up from her chair and kissed Neville on the cheek. "Oh, thank you, Neville!"

She hastily packed her bag and ran out of the library, shouting, "And oh yeah, good luck with Lovegood!"

Madam Pince was about to scold her for her voice, but sighed eventually when she saw the student was already gone.

As she reached the enormous pitch, she began scanning the stands for any flashing red head. It was not hard, since in a matter of seconds, she spotted him.

Walking quietly up to him, she could hear his silent sobs. Guilt washed over her. She really do love him.

Suddenly out of nowhere, Remus' words echoed in her mind, 'both of us will fall in love'." "Ugh!" she cried out, though not loud enough for Ron to hear.

Creeping slowly towards his shaking body, she quickly hid behind his broad back, before, "BOO!!!"

"AAAAHHH!!!!!!" screeched a petrified Ronald Weasley.

Hermione couldn't help but rolled onto the floor, laughing her hearts out.

"HERMIONE! Don't you ever creep up like that to me again!"

His eyes were still blotchy. His hand was on his chest, apparently still taken aback.

"Sorry… Well, what are you doing all alone, here?"

"Nothing," he muttered, turning back to face the field.

Hermione took his face in her hands to make him face her. And with both her thumbs, she swiped his wet cheeks to dry them up, before leaning in to kiss both his eyelids. Smiling, she looked back at him.

Ron was found gazing into her brown, caramel eyes, filled with love and need. "I love you, Hermione. I reckon always have. And when I saw those blokes making a move on you… I just can't help it," he confessed, looking down at their now entwined fingers.

"Good to know," Hermione smiled.

Ron looked up at her with confusion, when she continued, "Because I reckon I love you too."

The sudden shock on his face slowly morphed into a delighted one. "Really?"

Hermione blushed and looked back down. "Yeah… I have too for the past years."

"Good to know," he mocked. "Because I'm gonna kiss you!"

With that, he took her face and kissed her hard, pouring every love, every passion, every emotion he had for this girl for all those years he'd known her. And he was rewarded with the same kind of passion from the brunette in front of him.

As they finally pulled apart for air, Ron said, "Whoa! What a day."

"You have no idea…" muttered a very flushed Hermione Granger.

Later that night, Hermione giggled herself to sleep, "It's hard being a wanted bookworm…" She fell fast asleep, feeling very contented.

The birds chirped loudly outside. She felt rather warm on her comfortable bed.

As she moved to face to the other side of the bed, she bumped onto a hard figure.

"Morning, love…" said a deep voice, which sounded quite familiar.

"Morning…" she then felt a kiss on her cheek as she groggily fluttered open her eyes. And as soon as she saw a dark haired figure, looming above her head, she screamed and leaped up violently, almost causing her to fall out of bed.

"What's wrong, love?"

"Who- who… Sirius? …SIRIUS??!!!"

"Hermione, are you okay?"

"Bu- bu… but you're… DEAD?!"

But the man merely stroked her hair and said, "It's just another nightmare, love. It will go off soon. You'll be alright in a matter of seconds."

"Wait a minute… I'M DEAD?!"

"What? No, you're not!"

"Then, what are you doing here in the girls' dorm?!"

"Girls- Hermione, this is our bedroom. After we got married… remember?"

"M-Married? To you?!!"

"Yeah," replied a now slightly annoyed Sirius Black, as he took a photo frame from a bedside table. "See."

"But you're dead!"

"Hermione, what's the matter with you? It was you who solved the mystery and took me out from that Veil. And after that, we fell in love, and we got married… happily."

"Please tell me I'm double-dreaming. Please tell me I'm double-dreaming," she mumbled to herself.

Suddenly, she gave out a loud yelp. "Wha- What's that?" she pointed at her very-obvious protruding belly.

Sirius smiled and placed a hand on it. "That's our son. He's seven and half months old in your womb."

Hermione choked, and suddenly everything went black. She had fainted!