15 November 2015

Lord help me! I always feel so suffocated, having to handle both my work and personal life side by side. Trying and forcing myself to be happy is one hell of a task. And I thank you to all those who have written in to me with regards to my last blog post.

I'm coping much better now. My doctor has prescribed me medicines for my "problems". Haha! Truth to be told, I'm now on daily anti-depressants. There were that two weeks where I had finished my tablets, and man! The problem came back in full swing. So yes. I'm now hanging tightly to those pills. Can't live without them. Lol! As long as I'm better... and not crouched in some corner feeling sorry for myself, I'm good.

Pretty surprised at how much my blog post had actually affected some of my readers. Even at work. Just a few weeks after my post, a colleague went for a long leave due to the same problem. *sniggers* Made me wonder just how many of my colleagues actually read my blog. *winks* I'm doubtful that it was a mere coincidence.

Well, hell do I care who reads my blog. It's not like I share my deepest secrets here. I have a diary for that. Heh! It's something that was suggested by some of you who have experienced depression. I have to say it's a brilliant way. Thank you. At least you do get to relieve out your problems on something, and yet still not have anybody know about it.

Anyways, I have something new to ship on these days. One of the happy things that makes me look forward to the next day. The Indian TV serial, 'THAPKI PYAR KI'. The relationship between the two main characters, Thapki and Bihaan was something so unexpected that I have no choice but to come aboard this ship. Loving ThaHaan. Probably will continue doodling or scrapbooking on these two in the near future.

Mood: apathetic
Song: Piya O Re Piya (Sad) ~ Tere Naal Love Ho Gaya

// isnani // crystalled @ 9:31 PM //

24 March 2015

Empty, yet my head is filled with demons, eating me up from the insides. I'm sure there are dementors that surround me all the time. I just can't see them. That's the only reason I can assure myself with.

I'm a Capricorn. Most of us look down on people who just let themselves drown in self-pity, without seeking a solution. Yes. I used to be one of the mainstream Capricorns. But here I am, doing just what I used to despise.

There were times I see no point in life, and question the Al Mighty why he created lives if he is just going to test the strength of every single soul he created. I didn't ask for this. I did not ask to be born into this world. This big bad world. I was forcedly being put here to stand on my own feet and face shit.

And no. I thank my dignity that suicide was never on my mind, and never will. Not only it is against my religion, it is against the little conscience that I still have left. I'll go through this, yes. Drag and crawl if I have to. But that still will not take this depression off me. I find myself often breaking down at random intervals of my life. My breathing shallow. My migraine attacks are becoming frenzy that I even fell unconscious that one day.

Depression is not something to snigger or snort at. It is a disease. A serious one at that. I always thought I was just going through stress. But this is the first time I'm going through all those symptoms, and it scares me for real. Sometimes my breathing felt short even though I am sitting at my working desk, just typing. I find myself having to heave heavy sighs to relieve my heartbeats.

Crying to myself is becoming an occurrence that I no longer have the power to stop. I just let myself break down because I know I need to. Mum always ask me why I take so long in the shower all the time. I need to show her a positive front. She needs me and I will strive to keep up with this facade for as long as I can.

The fact that I have not done any real shopping sprees for the past three months amuses me. My salary has been left untouched for months due to this. To add to that, we just received a 1-month-plus bonus about a week ago. Whatever I have spent were the balance of my past months' salary. I feel aimless and no reason to shop. I mean, I used to go to malls within my salary week to reward myself. That's when I knew I'm going through something very serious. Money really will not buy you happiness. When I told my Mum about it, she told me why am I fretting? I should be happy I have more savings in the bank. But that's not the point! The point is I'm no longer my usual self.

I told myself to stop caring too much about people other than my mother, and just be a bitch. Let it go. If I take in too much, it will only get worst and unmanageable. Colleagues and relatives who are not happy with me talk behind my back, and still I feel that I could no longer care. They can talk until their lips fall because I have really given up on people. I know they too have their own problems. Who doesn't? Everyone in the world has their own problem. Hence the reason I have learnt to be selfish. I've been selfless for way too long.

Art is something I resign to at times. Scrapbooking, art journaling... this simple hobby of mine do help to take my mind off things. But at times like now, when you're suffering from an art block, you're back to being depressed. I tried watching my favourite shows like Rangrasiya or Harry Potter. They gave a moment of happiness. But then, halfway into the show, the demons in me remind me of how they are just baseless fictions... and I'm back to depression.

It's frustrating. I just wish we were all born into one such realm that is just filled with happiness where no one is judgemental. For now, let me just be.

For those who after reading my long blogpost feel the need to snicker and laugh, pray hard that you won't fall into this epidemic. Because I was one of those foolish stereotypes who did. Now I'm regretting it.

Mood: depressed
Song: Matlabi ~ Roy

// isnani // crystalled @ 10:04 PM //

28 November 2014

I received quite a number of heartfelt feedbacks from my previous blog post. Thank you all who did. Honestly, my hands just kept typing at that point of time that I was not really aware of the crap that appeared on my screen. Now after re-reading the post, I must say I'm quite amazed. That was really quite deep and from the heart... Wow! I'm deep! Shocker!

Anyway, no more 'rona dhona' posts. Who's into Yelp? No. Not yelping as in squeaking out loud. I'm talking 'checking in' Yelp. I'm quite addicted to it. You can see my profile at this page. I do try to check in where ever I go; still keeping in mind the risk of being stalked. *snorts* I only did started to make Yelping a habit about 2 months ago. Quite startling that I was offered into the Elite Squad just a month after that. Although writing reviews can be quite straining. As you can see from the frequency of my blog posts, I'm an extremely lazy writer. But I do try to keep up.

By the way, I am aghast with myself. I just realised not once did I blog about my favourite serial, 'Rangrasiya'. Just goes to show how lazy a blogger I am. Guh! The show started airing on Colors TV on 30 December 2013 and ended on 19 September 2014. Of course if you do follow me on Twitter, you might be aware of my obsession for it. You can check out my 3 fanvideos I have made for them on my Vimeo page... Yes well, YouTube started to bitch on me, hence, Vimeo.

The show is such a contrast to my previous favourite show, 'Suvreen Guggal'. Where the characters in SG were more real and modern, the characters in RR simply imprinted themselves in your hearts. And it's really the kind of love tales that I love. It's sadistic, and probably the main reason why I love it.

Of course, you can't help not shipping the two actors together -- Ashish Sharma and Sanaya Irani. But I do not ship them as much as I did for the lead actors of SG. Shivin Narang and Smiriti Kalra are just something else together. Too bad Ashish is already married and is so totally not like his character, Rudra Ranawat. *snickers* Besides, I can truly tell that he is not Sanaya's type. The poor bloke needs some serious grooming!

However, I do ship the characters, Rudra and Paro like mad. It's the first time I think where I really ship only just the characters... the actors, not so much. Even after two months the show bid adieu, the fans still cannot get enough of the show and the ship. Unfortunately for the most of us, the show ended on a bad note. I would have loved if the guy remained true to his words with "Main, Tu, Hamesha", but he ended up marrying a lookalike of his dead wife. A true testament of how bad the writing turned out to be. All throughout the show, screenplays and dialogues were tip-top! It was never like your typical Indian TV soaps. But once the soul of the show, the heroine, Mrs Parvati Rudra Pratap Ranawat gave her last breath, the show died with her. It just went downhill after that. Sad. It had so much potential. Curse the channel for being such an arse!

Mood: angry
Song: Awak Kat Mana ~ Taufik Batisah

// isnani // crystalled @ 11:11 PM //

13 August 2014

Death. Inevitable. Definite. Fact. Yes, as I had just tweeted today, I have just lost a family member today. My Mum's eldest sister. The news was received during a busy hour surrounded by clinic record files; whilst trying to process a renewal of a licence.

Dread was the first feeling upon hearing my mother's hysteric cries, "Nani, Obek Mona is no more. Please come home." It was hard to register. Just, hard. I was shell shocked and couldn't answer my colleagues' questions properly. All of them eventually reminding me to drive home safely, and all my brain could register was, "She's gone?"

Sure, I'm not close to my aunt. My aunt is the third of my mother's siblings to have bid adieu. Now with her departure, my Mum will now be the eldest of the remaining siblings. It's scary come to think of it. In 2012, it was her eldest brother. In 2013, it was her younger sister, and now 2014, her eldest sister.

But now, being home and recounting the day's events, I realised I didn't shed a single tear at my cousins' lost. Not even numb. I just wanted the whole funeral to be done and over with. And if anything, I was worried about my Mum, not my aunt's four children or her uncountable number of grandchildren. I didn't care about their feelings, I was selfishly just worried for my Mum.

Throughout the trip to the cemetery earlier in the evening, I kept my eyes on her. And I find it ironic how the only reason that made my heart wrenched was the sight of my Mum's two remaining brothers each holding her on either side. The three remaining descendants of the Ali generation.

Sure, I was the first of their second generation to have lost a parent. I lost my father when I was 4 years old, back in 1989 due to leukaemia. So seeing my other cousins losing their parents... as cruel as it may sound, I didn't feel pity for them. Yes, probably I am heartless. But it's like a 'been there, done that' situation for me.

I've been told once that perhaps I feel that way because I didn't get to experience the love of two parents at one time because I lost my Dad when I was way too small. To an extent, I agree. But they forget that they didn't had to grow up going to school, seeing your schoolmates chirping happily with their two parents. Getting odd sympathetic looks from your teachers when you had to explain to them you didn't get two signatures on your report cards because your father's dead. Didn't had anybody to give a card to when your Art and Crafts teacher asked the class to make something for Father's Day.

Innocent I was as a kid. I grew up with a struggling single mother who tried to manage work, home, and a growing child.

The last moment of my father that I remember vividly (strangely enough) was my father on his deathbed, staring back at me. And when I told his sister, "Look! Papa's looking at me. Can't you see? He's alive, he's looking at me." But alas, it was a spiritual and miracle, god-sent moment that only a child of 4 years of age could see. I remember none of the adults believed my words as they told me that my father's dead. How can his eyes be opened and be looking at me? That moment is still etched in my memories, and would always bring a wistful smile on my face. Thank you, Papa. For making me the special last person that you see.

So coming back to the day's events. Yes. I'm worried for my Mum. I guess we both are worried for each other. She, either the fear of leaving me, or me leaving her. But fact is fact. Death is only just the beginning.

So I end this post with a note, rest in peace, Obek Mona.

Mood: exanimate
Song: Tum Hi Ho ~ Aashiqui 2

// isnani // crystalled @ 10:51 PM //

28 September 2013

Honestly, the tension is starting to level up at my workplace. It's the season of mass renewals of hundreds of medical clinics' licences around Singapore. I can't imagine how I'm going to live through it for the next 3 months.

Being seated right in front of your supervisor and around newbies does not help either. Your supervisor will definitely come to the nearest alley (myself) and the newbies who are much more comfortable asking questions with me (since the others are either too old or seated far away). That's beside the fact that I can't even sit down and do my paperwork in peace. Every now and then my phone rings non-stop from these bloody doctors. Gosh! If only I could bang my head on the desk out loud every now and then.

I feel like escaping to a whimsical and colourful land for these three months; bringing along my 'life gadgets' -- my iPhone, laptop, chargers... and if possible, my cable TV to watch my daily soaps. Heh!

Okay, enough with the randomness and my job rants... New iPhone!! No. I did not get a new iPhone. Took me days to finally decide. Initially, I thought there was only one version of iPhone releasing: iPhone 5C. But only a day before the announcement did I learnt that there were going to be two, 5C and 5S. Ha! I'm such a late bloomer. Thing is, I found that the features are only slightly different from my current iPhone 5.

So eventually, I only upgraded to iOS 7. But once iPhone 6 is out, I'll definitely be getting one. I need a bigger storage, and of course, a new number. I'm loving the iOS 7 though. Finally I get to block certain numbers from calling me. Hehe!

Mood: ditzy
Song: Maara Re ~ Ferrari Ki Sawaari

// isnani // crystalled @ 4:34 PM //

07 September 2013

I can't understand how some people just cannot understand the proper mode of conversation on Twitter. They mostly come from the teenage age group from a certain country which I don't dare reveal on my blog. But it can be so annoying receiving nonsensical replies which are not intended for you.

There are times where I get cropped mentions due to these bimbos who continued their Twitter conversation through incessant quoted RTs. The legitimate way of conversing in a group is simply mentioning your name on the back or the front of the tweet. You don't just leave and continue your tweets until they're automatically cropped out in the end. Stupid fucktarts!

Anyways, looks like my iPhone 5's storage is waning with every stuff I added in. I promised, the next iPhone I'll get will be one with the largest storage. Too bad iPhone 6 is a long way to go. Even the upcoming iPhone 5C has no official release date. But I guess, I will be getting this 5C version. I seriously need a bigger storage.

Mood: drained
Song: Sunn Raha Hai ~ Aashiqui 2

// isnani // crystalled @ 1:02 PM //

09 May 2013

Adult life sucks! Honestly, I'm telling you! You seriously have no time for yourself. Work! Work! Work! The only "free" time you have will be spent on the time lost for your family and friends. And even if I do have time "just for myself", I have no choice but to use it for my required resting in bed. I miss those times where I could just sit down by myself somewhere and enjoy a Cornetto. *shakes my head*

But even after facing shit new character in the show named, Maddy.at work every single day, I kept my loyalty for my favourite evening TV show on Channel V... Yup, 'Suvreen Guggal'. It's currently on its second season. Truth to be told, it's not as fun as the first season, but the story is still quite gripping. Even with the many new characters, the story is still engaging; unlike the previous show I was addicted to -- 'Humse Hai Liife'. That show precipitated ever since new strangers were roped in.

Unfortunately, none of the Indian channels produce DVD box sets of their popular TV shows. It tanks really. And seeing that my cable set-top box HDD only has a limited disk space, I had no choice but to delete the old episodes one by one. Hence currently I'm slowly re-recording all the episodes by editing and scraping off the ugly TV ads on my video editing software.

I only wish Yuvreen - Yuvraj & Suvreenthe channel would re-telecast the show from the first episode as soon as the show ends later. They are doing it for some of the old shows on the channel. The first 60 episodes of 'Suvreen Guggal' I have in hand are of awful quality since I had to download them through YouTube, and none of them are of HD quality. *pouts*

And oh! When's the next iPhone coming out again? Seriously, the next time I get a new iPhone, I'll get one with the biggest storage. My current 16GB iPhone 5 is now almost full since I kept storing loads and loads of videos... with high quality. Hehe! Yeah, I have been told, "Why don't you just move on to Samsung Galaxy?" ...Uh no! I'm a loyalist. I'll stick to my Apple iPhone, thank you very much!

By the way, I'd just updated my scrapbooking blog earlier today with a new page for Yuvreen. Quite liked how it looked like. I had initially wanted it to look all yellow, but ended up making it all colourful.

Mood: frustrated
Song: Jaane Nahin Denge Tujhe ~ 3 Idiots

// isnani // crystalled @ 7:49 PM //